Read or not to read??

Consonant reader,

I'm trying desperately to begin reading 'The DaVinci Code', but a little voice in the back of my head tells me to go and do something else each time I try and pick the book up.

To save a lot of words going past my eyes, could anyone tell me if its any good?


**Additional mumblings**

Just tried out the X-men quiz on Misfit's site (thank you so much), and I was made out to be 'Storm'.

Bloody 'Storm'. I am unimpressed.

...There you go super villains of this world and beyond, here's a cold front, temperatures ranging from 10 to 12 and patches of rain spreading from the west. Die scum!


You are Storm of the X-men!

You are strong and sweet at the same time you have
self control and have a very nurturing nature
about you. You make friends easily but keep
your enemies even closer.


Which of the X-men do you resemble most?
brought to you by Quizilla

B x.

I'll have to work soon, for fucks sake.

Consonant reader,

I haven't slept well in ages, well at least 5 nights worth of tossing and turning.

Me and the baby girl decided to have ourselves a little, oh- so- little camping break. The new flat is lovely and we've been busy sorting it out. But as the new term looms its ugly academic head ever nearer we thought it best to have one more blast before we have to become teachers full time.

I start back later than the girl does so I have an extra 5 days doing very little, but I'm sure I'll have things to do anyway, erecting shelves and positioning mirrors etc. the usual "I've got a drill and I'm not afraid to use it" mentality.

So, off we went waving goodbye to cheery Gloucester and up, up and away to North Wales. The aim: Camping on Anglesea. But we stopped off one night to stay at my dad's house just outside Mold, near Chester (I say near, 'near' as in within a radius of 50 miles.), where we had time to watch 'The Village' at Ellesmere Port cinema with my big and little sis. It's a great film if you've not seen it, but if you have seen it, its a great film.

Then the next day we were on our way to Anglesey, where we pitched up on the North side of the island in a place called Amlwch. (Pronounce it like 'AM-LOO- short strangling choking sound) It was a lovely campsite, quite busy if a little wet. The buy who owned it was lovely, and he showed us to where we had to pitch.

We went on a few walks the next day and then went to Bangor and got a lantern for the tent owing to the fact that the previous one decided to fuck up halfway through the evening leading to much distress to ourselves. Grr, bloody defective lanterns.

The following night was a complete and utter fucking nightmare. It was windy on the evening but through the night it turned into a gale and I woek up to find the tent walls touching my face. Touching my face for gods sake. The wind was bending the freaking tent.

We promptly left and made our way for my sisters pad in Liverpool. he car was a mess having shoved the tent in slap- dash style just to escape the dreading 100 mph gusts of Amlwch. Tensions were high.

Plus, it began raining, again. Fucking weather, bloody lanterns.

We got to Liverpool on Friday and immediately relaxed. My sis took us out to a Chinese buffet place where for a tenner you could eat as much Chinese food as you wanted. I held back because I thought I'd be a pig if I launched back to the buffet cart and took mountains of sweet chili pork and sweet and sour chicken and mountains of egg- fried rice. Alas, I later realised my girl had thought exactly the same repressed urge, and so we both had held back our true appetites for the sake of not looking like a couple of Jabbas in front of my sibling. God damn manners, lanterns and weather...

Liverpool had the Mathew Street party/ carnival thing happening all over the BHW, so it was good to see many weird and wonderful people out on Saturday. Very nice, lots of people, good vibes 'n' all. For those who don't know, Mathew Street was the place where dem dose Beatles did come from. I took a few pictures and had a few drinks but it was over before too long. Boo. Bloody time going too quickly, lanterns, weather.. Grr..

Now I'm back and I'm thinking of going back to school. The last few months (Turkey, Croatia, North Wales and camping etc..) are distant memories now. My girl is already feeling the strain as she starts before me, this week.

I'm getting a bit, mindful. This is my new job. I am responsible. I have to put all silliness behind me. I am a professional.

-HA!

B x.

Here's a little story about my car.

Consonant reader,

I'd parked my car just outside my flat yesterday. I kept checking on it because I had a feeling something was going to happen to it. For hours nothing did, it just stood there, on all four tyres, still.

Even when a gang of rowdy lads began to walk by, I went to the window and looked down. They were too busy playing with a football to try and abuse my car.

But I couldn't get this feeling of impending doom out of my head. I knew anytime soon, my car would be attacked by someone or something. But nothing happened all the time I was in the flat.

Later on, I had to drive into town. I went downstairs and opened the door to my flat, therefore looking at the car at eye level, and what did I see? A large dirty trail of seagull shit smeared all down the driver's window. On closer inspection it looked as though the poo had come from a cat, a dog or a dingo of some type. It wasn't your usuall white egg flecked with smatterings of black, this was all off- brown and had the texture of a old worn carpet. And it was HUGE, not just lengthways but widthways. The gull that did this needs to sort out what its eating, for my cars sake.

I haven't washed it off yet owing to being a bit lazy today and also from a warped sense of pride.

B x.

Naked movie

Consonant reader,

I have now relocated. I moved in to my new pad in Gloucester on Saturday making umpteen trips in an expensive hired van lifting weights/ furniture and boxes double my body weight. The added bonus of it being a very sunny day resulted in me losing a good 3 pounds in weight after burning/ sweating it off. I was extremely tired by the end of it let me tell you.

The day before the move I decided to shift all of my belongings in my house in Bristol into the downstairs lounge, so that it would all be ready to shift out into the van the next day. I had been wearing the same clothes for a couple of days and therefore was making a pretty nasty stink. I therefore decided to wash my clothes, so off they went and into the washing machine. It was then, after the door had shut and I'd turned it on, I realised all of my other clothes were up in Worcester, a clear 60 miles away. I couldn't jump in the car in the buff and drive all the way up there. I'd get funny looks.

So instead, for the rest of my day of packing up and boxing everything up and getting all my furntire nicely ready moving completely naked. I have to say I found it quite liberating, except sometimes when moving some wooden furniture with splintery bits, I was in danger of giving the pecker a little bit more wood than usual (God- how many penis/ wood jokes can you think up?) Obviously I drew all the curtains and locked the doors just incase somebody walked in, you know, just incase. My clothes were then hung up to dry on a clothes horse near the oven, which I turned on to full. 4 Hours later I had clothes on again and smelling like a godamned rose.

Moving is a testing time for anyone. Like getting married or having a kid it really does push the physical and mental boundaries somewhat. Its has to be done but its such a fucking pain.

However now I'm up in Gloucester. Its all over now. ..No, actually its not- curtains, shelves, more furniture are to follow, so me and the girl can start living and get settled before we start work in the month of September. I had broadband installed on Sunday but I don't have any wires to connect it to the PC so it'll have to wait a bit (I'm blogging up in Worcester at the mo). I suppose the worst thing is knowing that we have to do this all again in a years time in order to BUY instead of RENT.

Ohh faaackk..

B x.

Hypersensitive Car Situation

Consonant reader,

I was driving back from North Wales yesterday. It was raining hard and I was on a very bendy piece of road. I was listening to the radio and it was very loud, playing a band called Wilco. They're a good 'listening in the car' band, only because I have their album on tape and don't listen to tapes outside of the car.

Through the music I was began thinking about life, the universe and pretty much everything else. Rewinding and reviewing the past couple of days, weeks and months made me realise what I'd actually done so far in my life, the people I'd met and the places I'd been. I'd just been to see my dad and his family nd before that I'd visited my friend in Colwyn Bay. This resort on the North Wales coast is now full of smackheads so I'm told. When I grew up there things were possibly a little different (I was never want to try any smack as a child anyhow). Anyhow, on this visit I met a few faces I hadn't seen since school. In the pubs mainly, working behind the bar, sitting down and doing pub quizzes or just there drinking. I spoke to a couple, and realised there was fuck all to say to each other. Our lives had missed each others and were off on a completely different direction. It was very strange looking at these people who, the last time I had seen them, wore school uniforms and were less bald (I can talk) and less fat (That too). Sobering.

I then began thinking about the state of the many different people in my life today, and for some I was glad and happy. For others, those who I believed to be in a sort of dire straits, I began to worry and hoped they could do something about their lives even though they couldn't see their problems themselves. I recognised this in some part having been there before, but also I saw it as a great unknown, a problem they must deal with to which I don't have any kind of an answer or advice to give.

I also began worrying for myself and thought of the things to come. Suddenly every thought became a kind of magnified study into someones soul- hopes, dreams yada yada. I somehow, inside that claustrophic atmosphere, became aware of things going on. Also, it was getting a bit hot in the car, having turned on the heater to de-mist the windscreen.

Before I knew what was happening I nearly cried. I'm sure my eyes began to well up, but I didn't let the damn burst. Everything had come to a big emotional bottleneck. Why? Why now? I'm driving for god's sake!

The moment fell away and, in order to make myself better I opened the windows and got a blast of icy rain and turned Wilco up. This made me forget about my little episode and got me rallying again. Then I drove for the next 3 hours without a care in the world.

What happened there then? Paranoia? Meloncholy? I've no idea myself but it made me feel awfully.. weird.

B x.

The Music/ Volume/ Atmosphere Ratio Laws

Consonant reader,

Law No.1-

When in a pub you will notice that the earlier on in the night, when you are at your most soberest and therefore not entirely up with any form of dutch courage or urge to place urinal disinfectants in your mouth, the surrounding music in at a pretty much low level.

This is proportionate to the amount of people within the bar.

You are, however, comfortable in this pub.

You have invited a friend who you haven't spoke to in any great depth for the past 2 years and wish to 'chew yon fat' as they say. Therefore a pub like this is going to be just up your street. Quiet, not too busy and have background music which can either be pleasant (Musak) or some classic songs that you remember (Cor, remember this?)

Therefore we can conclude that the earlier you get in the evening, the quiter, less busy and more pleasant the whole pub experience can be- you can talk with your friends at a normal conversational volume level.

E= Early
V= Volume
F= Friends

E= V/F(2)

Law No.2-

Whats this? A hen party has just graced us with their presence. Shifting uncomfortably you try to carry on the nostalgic conflab you were discussing with your long lost friend. The units of alcohol you have imbibed are now present in your bloodsteam. You head is getting warmer, your legs are getting looser as is your tongue.

Here we notice the music has also changed. From the kind of music listed above to straightout Popular Music. Some songs are good, songs you've heard on the radio or by way of a friends burned CD. Some, however, you grimly conclude are the auio version of wank. Its bad news for some.

At this point, we see that some nameless, faceless spectre at the back of the pub has also TURNED the speakers up. Reasons for this will remain unclear at this point. However, its probably a good thing because that hen party are really getting rowdy! Time for another drink.

Therefore a change in musical style (MS) has induced a feeling of awkwardness in the conversation (CO) and could be rectified if only for the hen party (HP).

What we see is a simple arrangement of CO= MS - HP, however, DO remember that HP is a variable whereas CO and MS are fixed.

Law No.3-

The conversation is beginning to get into full swing now. You thought tonight would be a dry dialogue of the old times but you have later revelaed you both have an infinite world of common factors to discuss. This should go well. But wait.

Look to your left. Thats right. The pub is now full. When did this happen? you ask yourself and each other.

Now lets return to that spectre somewhere in a corner of the pub. The music, although mildly tolerable is about to get a whole world of worse. The tracks have been changed and now a music form is played which empties yours and everyone else souls of joy, happiness and whatever else made you think that life was a wonderful warm happy thing.

This torrent of desolation is also TURNED up once again. Through this we find that the conversation you were building up has now been shattered. You cannot hold any type of talk without the need to either burst your vocal cords, use sign language or semaphore.

The noise is intense, as, mixed with the background music we now have an incessant amount of chatter from all concerned. And yes, that hen party is still here getting more and more silly.

You look at your friend across the table, smile, look around, smile again and try to think of any way you could discuss anything else under these terrible conditions.

however, you cannot. And the final insult arrives in the form of the lights being TURNED down/ off, whichever adds to even more hellish confusion in tonights proceedings.

Now the music, the strange desperate tunes recorded somewhere in the 7th circle of hell is getting mixed with other equally yucky tunes. These, clearly are not crucial tunes. These are not golden oldies, classics or the mad notes. These songs could be used in warfare.

Time to go, if we can find the door in the dark, through the crowds.

Maybe you will carry on your conversation outside in the cold. Lets face it, its an alternative.

Therefore the crowds have doubled in size within the pub every 5 minutes. You have been at the pub for 2 and a half hours. You drank 4 pints and smoked only 3 fags. The music has increased in volume and annoyance every hour. How long until your ears begin to bleed? Or you beg for forgiveness?

B x.